EVERYONE TO BE FITTED WITH A ZIP

EVERYONE is to be fitted with a zip as part of Gordon Brown’s plan to nationalise Britain’s kidneys.

You mustn't play with the zip at parties

The zip will run across the middle of the abdomen to allow for the quick and easy removal of major organs and body parts – all of which will become the property of the Cabinet Office from next April.

Harvested organs will be given to Labour Party donors or used to make pies for the TUC conference.

Under the government’s plans the police, parking wardens and the inland revenue will also be given the power to confiscate innards for minor misdemeanours, public order offences and late payment of tax.

Alan Johnson, the health secretary, said: “Remember that time on holiday in Turkey? When you got drunk and went off with the gorgeous looking girl who then turned out to be a bloke, but you thought ‘in for a penny’ so went for it anyway, and then woke up with a splitting headache, and a terrible pain in your side, and a really nasty looking wound and only one kidney? Well, it will be like that, but without the gay sex or the stitches.”

Johnson added: “Ride the train without a ticket and we’ll have your pancreas. Anything involving drunkenness or aggressive behaviour will cost you at least a couple of kidneys and if your tax isn't on time we’ll just attach a Dyson to you and suck the whole lot out in a oner.

“Officials will be given some training and maybe a diagram. They’ll also need a torch as some of the smaller ones will involve a bit of rummaging around.”

Consumers welcomed the move but said safeguards were necessary. Nikki Hollis, 26 from Reading, said: “We will need proper labeling. I wouldn’t want to get a kidney off a black, unless I was planning to enter a dancing competition.”

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